To Be You, or Not To Be You

“Be yourself,” we are often told, when we are worried about fitting in. Ironic advice, when you think about it. Be an individual, to feel comfortable among many?

Being yourself, when you’re an Aspie, can get you in heaps of trouble. A poorly timed meltdown, a missed signal, a split second reaction, can form a lasting impression. “Be yourself,” but not your whole self, lest you offend someone.

Being yourself is sometimes not advisable. There are times we must fit in to survive. We want to fit in at school, or with the company culture. We want to be polite. We want to hang onto valuable relationships.

So we develop different versions of ourselves that we trot out as needed. But being phony takes energy. In squelching authenticity, we fragment. We start to doubt who really is our real self. Is “the real me” so great, if it’s so often censored?

Being yourself, when you’re a person with autism, can mean asking for accommodations or special treatment. This is a struggle. We often think of equal treatment as the ultimate goal of autism awareness, but is that really possible? What we often ask for is to be the exception. We want to be the one who doesn’t have to play dodge ball. We want to be the one who doesn’t have to get up and do a presentation.

Sometimes we can negotiate deals in exchange for being ourselves – do more independent reading that we like, and less outdoor recess that we don’t. Yet in so doing, we further emphasize our difference from the norm, rather than blend in.

There is no easy answer. We learn this from a very early age. Be yourself, or be accepted: we often must choose. And the unanswerable question is: If I cannot be myself, then who can I be?

Misophonia

misophonia (n): Dislike of sound - especially sounds associated with chomping, slurping, munching, snarfing, slucking, masticating, and other mealtime behaviors - to the point of "instantaneous blood-boiling rage."

When a Chomp or a Slurp Is a Trigger for Outrage

How The Giraffe Came By His Name

Conversations with Wolves (Willing, Part II)

My message buddies keep me busy these days. Fascinating conversations with diverse individuals, both Aspies and NT’s. Both, I’ve found, are enthusiastic about permission-based messaging, otherwise known as the New Friend Quickie Mart.

This week I talked with two friends, who I’ll call the Desert Wolf and the Midwest Wolf. Two very different people from different walks of life. We talked of many things. And curiously, the same theme came up, independently, in different contexts.

I talk with the Desert Wolf about travel, adventure, and nature. Anything from animal totems to her desire to drive the Google street view car. Eating is a form of adventure, I say, citing a dinner I cooked with kelp and seaweed – a health food heaven with the addition of quinoa, bok choy, and tofu. Such a nutritious concoction should give me super-powers, shouldn’t it? But so far, not.

Did I forget any ingredients? asks the Desert Wolf. Some mineral or altered meat source? Kryptonite? Genetically enhanced spider?

Oh, yes, *facepalm*, I’ve left out the mutant spider… Well, what super power would I want if I had one? I think I would like to be able to teleport. I could travel anywhere in the world, without booking a flight, or renting a hotel room. Just pop up anywhere for the day and pop back home when I was done.

I’d like to fly, says the Desert Wolf. To see the world, and cruise through space like Superman. Maybe drop in on the International Space Station crew. Yes, flying would be good too. I wonder if it makes one tired? It doesn't seem like many muscles are involved, at least after take-off…

I talk with the Midwest Wolf about dreary workdays, chance encounters, farmer tans, and pretty much anything under the sun, provided it’s in small caps without regard for spelling or sentence structure. The Midwest Wolf likes to throw out deep questions, like, what do I wish I were doing with my life? And, what’s my fav thing about myself? One day it’s, how would I change the world?

I don’t pretend to give it serious thought. Less stupid people… more flavors of ice cream. Problem solved.

My lackadaisical friend is surprisingly thoughtful for a change. “But how do you get rid of the stupid people?” he presses, then puts forth his suggestion: Spread more love. Give the kids a good education; teach them better rather than make the test easier. And of course, ice cream for everyone, and a super secret soldier group to create peace and avert disasters.

Yes, of course! We need The Justice League! How epic would that be? And who would I be if I could be someone from the League? Green Lantern, perchance?...

And so it was, that two disparate conversations each turned to super powers. In between our exchange of the tedious happenings of our day, our likes and dislikes, our life lessons and our regrets, our thoughts turned to flying and saving the world. Fantasy is so much more enticing than reality. It was true when we were young, and perhaps even more true now that we’re grown-ups. There’s a reason why those superheroes are so popular, says the Desert Wolf.

Because we’d all like to have super powers, and the truth behind that is in the non-fantasy content of our conversations. We’d like to be able to put our sleep schedule back on track. We’d like to be able to say magic words to get out of retail and go back to school. We’d like to be blessed with all the knowledge of how to survive an earthquake and a hurricane. We’d like the power to let go of our disappointments. Now those would be real super powers.

But measly civilians are what we are. And what more appropriate reminder of our average-ness, as we sit at our computer screen late at night, typing text to a stranger in a message box, interspersed with the random yellow smiley? At least there is the comfort that we are not alone in being mere mortals, with our all-too-human flaws and worries. And when the Send button casts out our daily ramblings like a bottle into the ocean, another bottle will surely wash up on our shore tomorrow night, returned by a fellow insignificant human.

Name the Giraffe Contest

He needs a name.

The giraffe is the first new character I created for Dude, who did not come from my childhood cast of characters.

The giraffe is the facilitator of an Aspie support group. He fields many tough questions. Sometimes he has great ideas, other times he is clueless, but he means well. Kind of like real life, no?

You might wonder, why a giraffe? Continuing my long history of audience participation into my character development, I took my question to the Twitter, and there you have it.

The contest winner will receive a custom avatar of your choice drawn by me! (130 x 130 pixels)

Stretch your creative muscles, folks! You have a high standard to live up to. Consider that our current lineup of characters includes a dog named Dinky Doughnuts, a bird named Squishy, and a Fuzzysnussle. “Bob” the giraffe is not gonna cut it.

Enter in the comments below, on Facebook, or Twitter. Entries will be accepted through 8 PM Eastern on Wednesday 8/31. Enter as many times as you want.

So stick your neck out, and name that giraffe!

Willing

Cooking For Aspies